7 Compulsory Stages of Widowhood You May Encounter

_Stages of Widowhood

When I lost my husband unexpectedly, my world was turned upside down. I found myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and facing a future I had never imagined. In those early days, I often wondered, “How will I get through this? What are the stages of widowhood, and will I ever feel normal again?”

As I went through this difficult journey, I began to notice distinct phases in my grieving process. Have you ever wondered what the stages of widowhood are and how they might impact your healing journey?

By sharing my story and exploring these stages, you can gain a deeper understanding of the complex and personal path through grief that many widows experience.

 

Stages of Widowhood

Through my personal story and experiences, I want to share the stages of widowhood I passed through, which you may likely face too.

Pay attention to the details because you may learn some valuable lessons and be able to surpass these stages with less stress than I did.

The stages of widowhood often mirror the stages of grief and can vary greatly from person to person. While everyone’s experience is unique, many widows go through the following stages:

 

1. Shock and Denial

My initial reaction to losing my spouse was one of shock and disbelief. It was hard to accept that he was actually gone. My sister-in-law had taken my late husband to the hospital while I stayed home to care for our newborn daughter.

We thought it wouldn’t be proper for me to be around someone who was ill. I kept in touch with him through phone calls and reassured him that he was in safe hands with his sister.

That day, I couldn’t make it to the hospital, but I believed everything would be okay. Later in the day, my sister-in-law came back to break the news that he had died and had been deposited in the morgue.

I didn’t believe her. I insisted that I must see him to be sure that he wasn’t still breathing. This insistence led to a disagreement and created tension between us.

During this stage, I felt emotionally numb and disconnected. I was in a state of denial, unable to process the reality of my loss.

 

Lessons

From my experience of shock and disbelief, other widows can learn several important lessons:

Acknowledge Your Emotions

It’s natural to feel numb, disconnected, or in denial after such a significant loss. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

 

Accept Help

Accepting help from others can be crucial during such a difficult time. Although it was hard for me to accept that my sister-in-law was caring for my husband instead of me, it was a practical decision given our circumstances. Lean on your support system and let others assist you when you need it.

 

Communicate Openly

Effective communication is essential. The disagreement with my sister-in-law stemmed from my insistence on seeing my husband. Expressing your needs and concerns openly with family members can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts during this emotionally charged period.

 

Give Yourself Time

I was in a state of denial and disbelief, which is a normal part of the grieving process. Give yourself the time you need to process the reality of your loss and don’t rush the healing process.

 

Seek Closure in Your Way

I insisted on seeing my husband to believe he was gone. Seeking closure in a way that feels right for you is important. Whether it’s seeing your loved one one last time, holding a private memorial, or another personal ritual, find what helps you accept the reality of the loss.

 

Understand that Disagreement is Natural

Disagreements and conflicts may arise with family and friends during such stressful times. Understand that everyone grieves differently, and conflicts are a natural part of navigating shared loss. Try to approach these disagreements with patience and empathy.

 

2. Pain and Guilt

As the shock wore off, intense sadness and pain set in. I cried every day for the next four years, overwhelmed with grief by the loss. No matter how hard people tried to cheer me up, I could not be consoled.

The pain was especially deep because we had spent only four years together in marriage, and even those years were fragmented.

I was still in university in another state, so we didn’t spend much time together as a couple and family, even though we had two kids. He would visit me, and sometimes I would go to his state, but it never felt like enough.

The feelings of guilt and regret were constant. I questioned if there was anything I could have done to prevent the loss. I felt guilty for having a long-distance marriage, thinking that maybe things would have been different if we had been together more.

I regretted not doing more, not saying more, and not being there as much as I could have. The pain of these thoughts weighed heavily on me, adding to the already immense sorrow I was feeling.

 

Dealing with Pain and Guilt: What Can Be Done?

Navigating through pain and guilt after the loss of a spouse is incredibly challenging. Here are some steps that might help:

Accept Your Emotions: Understand that it’s normal to feel intense sadness, pain, and even guilt. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment.

 

Cry If You Need To: Crying is a natural and healthy way to release grief. Don’t hold back your tears.

Talk to Loved Ones: Share your feelings with family and friends who care about you. Sometimes, just talking about your pain can provide some relief.

 

Reflect on Your Relationship

Understand that no relationship is perfect. Every couple has things left unsaid or undone. Focus on the love you shared rather than what you think you missed.

 

Recognize Unfair Blame: Realize that feeling guilty is common but often misplaced. It’s important to understand that you did the best you could under the circumstances.

 

Forgive Yourself: Practice self-compassion and forgiveness. Remind yourself that you are human and did what you thought was best at the time.

 

Focus on What You Can Control: You cannot change the past, but you can make choices about how you move forward. Focus on positive actions you can take now.

 

Create a Ritual for Closure: Create a special ritual or memorial in honor of your spouse. This could be visiting a favorite spot, planting a tree, or writing a letter to your spouse expressing your feelings.

 

Express Your Feelings: Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. This can be a powerful way to process your emotions and find some closure.

 

3. Anger and Bargaining

After the initial shock and intense sadness, I started to feel anger. This anger was directed at myself, others, and even my deceased spouse. I was frustrated and felt abandoned, left to cope alone with the immense burden of loss.

During this time, I did many things out of anger that I later realized were not the right way to handle those issues. I sought solace in prayers, visiting churches and prayer houses, desperately wishing my husband would resurrect. I hoped that somehow, by praying and pleading, I could reverse the loss or ease the pain.

It reached a point where I was so consumed by grief that I bargained with a prophet. I even considered offering my son as a living sacrifice, just as Hannah in the Bible did with her son Samuel, if only my husband could come back to life. The desperation and helplessness I felt during this stage were overwhelming.

 

Lessons Learned and Steps to Take

Recognize Anger

Understand that feeling angry is a natural part of grief. Acknowledge these emotions instead of suppressing them. Try to identify what specifically triggers your anger. Is it the feeling of abandonment, or specific memories?

 

Seek Healthy Outlets for Anger

Engage in physical activities like exercise, which can help release built-up tension. Channel your anger into creative outlets such as writing, painting, or playing music.

 

Forgive Yourself

Be kind to yourself and understand that grief can lead to irrational thoughts and actions. Reflect on the things you did out of anger, and use these reflections to guide better decision-making in the future.

 

Spiritual and Emotional Healing

Continue your spiritual practices, but also incorporate meditation or mindfulness to help calm your mind. While seeking solace in spiritual practices, strive for a balanced approach that promotes emotional healing rather than exacerbating desperation.

 

Healthy Bargaining

Instead of making drastic bargains, commit to positive actions in memory of your spouse, like charity work or volunteering. Set realistic, achievable goals that honor your spouse’s memory and help you move forward.

 

4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness

This stage often becomes most realistic after the burial when the finality of the loss sets in. I drifted into a deep depression and felt like a walking corpse. The sight of couples walking together was unbearable; it would make me rush to the nearest hiding place to cry my heart out.

At this stage, I was deeply sad and experienced a prolonged period of intense grief. I withdrew from social activities, especially church, to avoid sitting alone at our favorite spot and feeling the profound sense of loneliness that overwhelmed me. I reflected constantly on the life I had shared with my spouse, and each memory felt like a new heartbreak.

 

Lessons Learned and Steps to Take

Accept Your Grief: Understand that feeling deep sadness and loneliness is a natural part of the grieving process. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions rather than suppress them.

 

Be Honest with Yourself: Allow yourself to feel the pain and admit that you are struggling. This honesty is the first step toward healing.

 

Reach Out to Loved Ones: Even though it may be difficult, try to stay connected with family and friends. Isolation can worsen feelings of depression and loneliness.

 

Engage in Social Activities: Gradually reintegrate into social activities. Start with small gatherings or events that don’t overwhelm you.

 

Physical Health: Continue to prioritize your physical health. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are crucial for overall well-being.

 

Mental Health: Practice mindfulness, meditation, or other mental health exercises. Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.

 

5. The Upward Turn

At this stage, I gradually began to adjust to reality. The intense emotions of grief started to subside, and I found myself adjusting to life without my spouse.

I learned to do the things he used to do for me, taking on the roles of both father and mother. I wore his financial shoes and responsibilities, and I learned to make decisions alone. Daily life became a bit more manageable, and I felt a sense of beginning to move forward.

 

Lessons Learned and Steps to Take

Learn New Skills: Taking on tasks your spouse used to handle can be daunting, but it’s also empowering. Learn the necessary skills and embrace the challenge.

 

Financial Management: Educate yourself on managing finances if this was something your spouse handled. Seek professional advice if needed to ensure you make informed decisions.

 

Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate small achievements. Each task you master is a step toward rebuilding your confidence and independence.

 

Positive Self-Talk: Encourage yourself with positive affirmations. Remind yourself of your strength and resilience.

 

Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask family or friends for help when needed. Whether it’s advice or assistance with tasks, seeking support is a sign of strength.

 

Professional Guidance: Consider seeking advice from financial advisors, counselors, or other professionals to help you navigate new responsibilities.

 

Establish New Habits: Developing new routines can provide structure and a sense of normalcy. Find what works for you and stick to it.

 

Find Joy in New Activities: Explore new hobbies or interests that bring you joy. Engaging in activities you enjoy can help lift your spirits and provide a sense of purpose.

 

Acknowledge Progress: Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come. Recognize the progress you’ve made since the loss of your spouse.

 

Set Future Goals: Set realistic and achievable goals for the future. Having something to strive for can give you a sense of direction and hope.

 

6. Reconstruction and Working Through

Here, I began to reconstruct my life and find new ways to function and thrive. I started handling his business with his work colleagues. I started a petty business as a side hustle while I engaged fully in my journalism career.

I developed the mindset of resolving every problem that came my way and was determined to live and succeed for my two children and strive to fill the gaps of a father in their minds. I practically started to manage finances and make plans for the future.

I understood that this stage is about new beginnings and I embrace the opportunities that came my way while staying focused on the positive aspects of my life and the possibilities that came my way.

 

Lessons Other Widows Can Learn from My Story

Reconstruction and Resilience

It’s possible to reconstruct your life after a significant loss. Find new ways to thrive and adapt to the changes. Develop resilience by facing challenges head-on and finding inner strength.

 

Handling Responsibilities

Take charge of responsibilities that were previously managed by your partner. Learn to manage finances and make informed decisions for your future.

 

Career and Growth

Continue or start a career that provides purpose and financial stability. Consider starting a small business to supplement your income and provide a sense of accomplishment.

 

Mindset and Problem-Solving

Cultivate a mindset focused on resolving problems and overcoming obstacles. Stay determined to succeed and provide for your family, despite the difficulties.

 

Parenting and Support

Strive to fill the emotional and practical gaps left by your partner for your children. Be a strong role model for your children, showing them resilience and strength.

 

Personal Growth

Embrace the opportunity for personal growth and learning through the experience.  Develop a sense of self-reliance and confidence in your abilities to handle life’s challenges.

 

7. Acceptance and Hope

This was my final stage of widowhood where I accepted my fate. I decided to turn lemon into lemonade by being at the forefront of campaigning for the well-being of young widows and trying to make the world understand that young widows are facing more grievous circumstances than older widows and should be treated differently in all aspects.

Though I accepted my fate it does not mean forgetting my spouse but coming to terms with the reality of the loss. I had a renewed sense of hope and started looking forward to the future with a sense of possibility.

 

Conclusion

Experiencing widowhood involves going through several necessary stages. These stages bring emotional, social, and practical challenges. Losing a spouse starts a journey that unfolds through these stages, each bringing its own difficulties and changes.

These stages are universal but also very personal, depending on each person’s situation, relationships, and how they cope. Knowing about these stages helps us understand the complex feelings and adjustments that widows often go through.

It acknowledges the tough parts but also shows how people can grow and become stronger through this experience. While my stages may provide a general framework, it’s important to remember that grief is unique to each individual, and there is no right or wrong way to overcome it.

You may experience different widowhood stages which help you to progress through grief. Feel free to share with me in the comment section.

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