Life came up with an unexpected twist and turn, leaving me to seek a way to overcome the problems I faced when I lost my beloved husband.
I got married at the age of 23 to a promising young man aged 35 whom I saw as a big brother, friend, gisting partner, companion, and loving father to our two adorable children.
I lost him to the cold hand of death on our fourth marriage anniversary after a diagnosis of a liver-related disease.
He died at the age of 39 making me a widow at the tender age of 27 to care for our young innocent children, who barely knew the predicament that had befallen them: “fatherless.
His death was undoubtedly one of the most painful experiences I could endure. I find myself asking the agonizing question, “Why did God make me a widow?”
Why Did God Make Me a Widow
In my quest to seek answers to the necessary and challenging question, I could not find a definitive answer, and peace was far from my soul.
As I threaded the path of young widowhood for eight years, I recognized that the question of why God made someone a widow is one of life’s mysteries.
While I may never fully grasp the reasons behind such a heartbreaking loss, the lessons learned during this phase of life have made me a different person. In the midst of the pain and turmoil of widowhood, a deeper purpose emerged, and I began to teach myself certain life lessons.
My personality drastically changed, and I see things differently than when I was not a widow. From there, I began to get answers to the question and knew the reasons God made me a widow.
I believe that these experiences and lessons can ultimately guide other widows who have been struggling with similar questions toward a path of healing and hope.
1. Life is Unpredictable
Bearing witness to the unexpected passing of my husband, I realize that life is truly unpredictable. Pain can make one understand that survival is fragile and things or people we feel are strong can be cut off within a Twinkle of an eye and all plans are left unexecuted.
I was not born into a very rich family but I still remember growing up as a child that I never lacked anything, I mean, my basic needs.
Ours was a large polygamous family. We had a roof over our heads, had three square meals and my father was among those who had a Vespa motorcycle, Ladies Bike, Pick Up Van, Volkswagen, and Beetle Cars.
As the last born of the family, I would say, I was somewhat pampered. I sold some stuff for the family, but it was not as a result of poverty but as a source of multiple incomes. Such ventures based on leverage are not done with as much enthusiasm as those done to combat hunger.
My immediate younger brother would carry me to school on his back on the days my father couldn’t do school runs. In fact, I had a rosy childhood.
Even when I lost my dad in my early teens, I lacked nothing because my mother was working in one of the booming ministry in the state. She was thriving in her career and job as a secretary.
I never had difficulties in any sphere of my life. I had almost everything I wanted without much prayer. Even in a relationship, I never dated a difficult man. I was always hearing about heartbreak from my friends, and I was always wondering what it felt like.
In education, I had a little difficulty gaining admission because I wanted to study law. However, I ventured into business (fashion and design) and made money before the age of 20. I still remember going to get a business account at Wema Bank, The account officer advised me I should revisit the bank when I am of age. Luckily, it took just a few weeks to clock 18.
I eventually gained admission for a Degree to study Communication Arts and at the same time, had admission to Study LAW at Diploma Level. I opted for a Degree course.
In marriage, my husband married me within 7 months of our meeting. I always got the best of what life could offer with little or no struggles.
I thought life was as rosy as it was presented to me in my early life. As usual, I envisioned a thrilling escapade with the love of my life, the husband of my youth but it turned out otherwise.
God allowed my husband to die so that I would know that LIFE IS INDEED UNPREDICTABLE.
Even in my wildest dreams, I would never believe that I could encounter any difficulty in life talk less of being a victim of a predicament: Young Widowhood.
It dawned on me that it is important to foresee the unpredictability of life and the sudden disruptions it can bring.
I learnt a lesson never to take for granted the stability and consistent events of my life for we can make plans, set goals, and envision a future with certain expectations, assuming that things will unfold as we desire but life has its own course, and unforeseen circumstances can shatter those expectations in an instant.
The realization that life is unpredictable acted as a wake-up call, urging me to live each moment with great appreciation to God over undisruptive plans and expectations.
God taught me to value the time I have with my loved ones and to cherish the simple joys and experiences that make life meaningful.
By acknowledging that life is unpredictable, I am often determined to focus on what truly matters and not get caught up in trivialities or petty grievances.
Embracing the uncertainty of life made me to develop tenacity and adaptability, as well as the ability to accept change rather than resist it. Instead of trying to control every aspect of my life, I learn to flow with the currents of change, praying for strength to withstand the unexpected twists and turns that come my way.
Of course, I still have aspirations and make plans for the future, but with a deeper understanding of life’s unpredictability, I have approached these endeavors with a degree of flexibility and open-mindedness.
I have developed a strategy of “ATTACK AND DEFENSE”. This way, I am better prepared to adapt to changing circumstances and remain strong even when my plans don’t unfold as expected.
Life’s unpredictability is not meant to discourage me or make us fearful of the future. Instead, it empowers me to live more genuinely and courageously, accepting the beauty and pains of life in all its shades.
God made me experience the pains of widowhood in order to know that we should consider each moment we have with our loved ones as a precious gift, to be cherished and lived fully, and that the future is never guaranteed.
Knowing this lesson helped me find strength in the present and the courage to overcome life’s uncertainties with a newfound zeal.
2. I Am More Powerful Than I Thought
Having grown in a way that I had everything I needed at a flip of finger. I grew powerful in my world. I challenged everything I felt was not morally right.
I could not withstand any form of victimization. I was a fighter. I don’t waste time in staging a fight just to buttress how hurt I was over a particular thing. I was nicknamed Margaret Thatcher. I still remember a probing question from people “why were you not a boy”?
I was affected by this lifestyle when I went to the boarding school. I could not withstand Senior students maltreatment on the vulnerable junior students. Ofcourse I was maltreated because of my stubbornness. I was seen as a saucy person because I challenged almost everyone. I got no fear about anything.
In due course, I began to soft pedal when I got married. I switched my nature and lived a pretentious life “smiling and nodding in the midst of pain and anger to please people”, an action I regret till today. I began to see myself in a more feminine status and relinquished my powers.
If you act like a Lion, do not change your attitude to that of a Goat. God knows what he deposited in you, so trying to change it will boomerang. So long as you live right, don’t change. The society might want to bend your nerves to fit into the bandwagon. Stand firm and continue to be yourself.
I didn’t know that God was preparing me for a tougher task. God knew I would carry the burden of two, so he made me a little different.
Through the death of my husband, I unearth a peculiar hidden reserve of inner strength not to be used as a physical fighting tool as my mind previously made me to understand but in a more endearing way.
This newfound power showed that I can overcome adversity and find hope amidst despair.
In enduring pain and brokenness, I discovered a reservoir of resilience I may have never known existed if my husband were to be present in my life. I am still marvelled at how I have played two roles and one role was never anticipated nor rehearsed.
The experience of God making me a widow teaches me to trust in my strength, to lean into my resilience, and to find the courage to rebuild my life despite the heartache.
In the midst of enduring such heartache, i have tapped into a wellspring of strength that might have remained dormant otherwise.
The journey of rebuilding my life after losing my husband was not an easy one, but surviving till this stage shows that I am more powerful than I thought. Each step forward is an embodiment of the power within you, a sign that I am capable of surviving the most difficult of circumstances.
The experience of becoming a widow has made me to realize that even in the face of immense pain and sorrow, i possess the power to move forward. While the void left by my husband’s passing may never fully heal, i have found the strength to carry on and embrace life with newfound courage.
3. Sometimes, Blood is Not Thicker Than Water
I wish men could fake their deaths and come back after several years to see how their families treated their wives and children in order to get a bragging right on how good and caring are their siblings.
You will only know if your family truly loved you when you are dead. Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about it.
I got married into a family of two males and four females. My late husband was the second child in the family and the first son. They loved themselves so much that anyone thinking of putting asunder among them would embark on a futile journey.
I respected everyone being that they were all older than me. We lived fine without issues. When my husband health issues started, the elder sister volunteered in taking of him while I looked after her kids and mine.
She was the one that was taking care of him till he breath his last. She deposited his corpse in the mortuary without my consent. But that was not an issue to me because I had already become too soft to please everyone around me.
I approached her one day to take me to see my husbands corpse. That was the day the time bomb exploded. I heard words about me that I never knew about myself. I was “prostitute” “witch” “possessed” and other unbelievable things.
Do you want to eat his corpse?
Your prostitution had killed him!
You guys were not married, you were just friends!
My sister in-law fired at me.
Ahhh friendship? With two children?
I retorted surprisingly.
What about the traditional marriage and wedding we conducted?
I further probed to know if I was in a dream.
I thought they were mere talks. But why would such talks come out now that their brother has died.
If you guys knew I was a witch, you could have saved your brother by taking me for deliverance, at least I wouldn’t suck this innocent blood.
I kept pondering in my heart.
Why would I kill this handsome, energetic and promising young man?.
The father of my children.
A man that never hurts.
A man I so much adored.
A man with a golden heart.
A TALK LESS AND DO MORE MAN.
The allegations were so grievous that I began to be conscious of my spiritual being. I would take note of my dreams. I would be watchful if I flew in the night, suck blood or eat meat in the dream to know if actually I was a witch. At least those are the characteristics of a witch as popularly believed by so many people.
It is only a witch that would kill this young man, yes!, could it be me? I kept ranting at myself for many days, because despite the professional medical care offered to him by the best doctors in one of the best hospital in the liver related field, he couldn’t make it.
Even the Doctor in charge of him exclaimed (on a phone conversation with me) that nobody has ever died of that sickness with the magnitude of care and drugs administered to such a person.
Moreover, the sickness was contagious and nobody contracted it. Even if no one else would have contracted it, I should have been diagnosed of such disease because we were still having intimacy as couples. I and my kids have conducted a test in three different places on different occasions but we came out clean.
Was I really possessed?
And as such caused my beloved husband death?
A lot of questions went through my mind which I couldn’t offer any answers.
Because of the situation, I began to patronize prophets, but none of them told me I was a witch. Maybe I was a very powerful witch that they dare not confront to deliver.
As for prostitution allegations, I laughed it off because that one was not a spiritual issue which would make me become confuse if I had actually indulge in it. Ofcourse it is a physical thing. I knew myself.
My husband was the best man in my life. I was not an explorative type of woman to have measured my husbands prowess in all ramifications with other men. I was in one relationship before getting married to my husband. Even to compare him with my ex, my late husband was the best, so I had no reason to commit adultery in my marriage. I was too naive to go on such expedition.
I was not a prayerful type but people prayed for him yet he couldn’t make it. Even the sister was a prayer warrior. She can pray for a living. God knows best!
In the wake of my husband’s death, I discovered that things may never be the same both in my family and my husbands family support systems.
I witnessed the proclaimed brotherly love dissipate into thin air. My husbands people seized every property, threw out my bags of clothes (though not all).
Ofcourse, their servant has to leave. They wanted to collect my children but unfortunately, the kids were with my mother in another state.
They swore never to take care of their brothers children until I return them and that I will suffer till I come back to beg them. They knew that to single handedly take care of two children is not a child’s play.
Of course I just became a University graduate. At that time I wasn’t serious over my business as I concentrated in school and birthing. My certificate was not yet ready and I didn’t have a job but they forgot that the brother found me in the hustling street. I am a confirmed hustler!
In my bewilderment, I challenged them that they were not GOD and that if they are waiting for me to beg them to take care of their brothers children, then they will wait for eternity.
“Why should I beg them to contribute to the welfare your lineage. The children of a man that took care of your needs before himself.”
I barked back.
I asked them, “must you collect my children from me before they are eligible to enjoy and have access to their fathers property?”
At this point I was enraged and confused. I prayed it was a terrible dream which I need to wake up immediately.
Why should you guys chase me away as a common prostitute?
I left that day traumatized. I kept asking myself repeatedly,
Where do I go from here?
How do I start life again?
How will I survive without nothing to hold on to?
Will I ever survive?
This questions ran through my head like torrents of rain.
That night I slept in my husbands friend place. His wife could not comfort me for she never knew what to say. The man kept murmuring countless times.
The few people I told my predicament were ready to assist me to fight. Lawyers volunteered to take up the case. The Governor’s wife of that time was one who took widows cases very serious. My in-laws would have been in a very hot soup but I was too weak to fight.
I never wanted to struggle for what was rightfully mine. I stood my grounds for years and they have never looked for their blood. Eight years and still counting.
Family members watched without intervening while my in-laws ripped me of my late husband’s properties.
Shockingly they will go to the village and brag that they are paying my children school fees. I will debunk such claims. They denied they never confiscated the brothers properties from me. The extended family people doesn’t know who to believe.
I kept asking myself, why are they not proud of their handiwork?
I thank God for not fighting over those properties perhaps I would affiliated my success to it today. God allowed me to be ripped off it to make me out of nothing.
I became a clay in the potter’s hand (God). He broke me into pieces to remould me into his required shape (purpose). I can brag today that I am a self made woman.
Even when I came back to my mother’s house, I understood that I was coming back as a stranger. That was when I understood the statement in Africa that when you are married, you no longer belong to your family.
Everyone was on their lane. Everyone minded their business. I was not given the love I needed or perhaps the love that should be accorded a grieving woman.
Everyone was scared to take up the responsibility or even to assist. Infact, everyone thought my world has crashed hence I shouldn’t be treated with respect nor privileged to enjoy a normal life anymore.
“You are too young to be a widow. Something is not right!” Some proclaimed in my presence.
These reactions were hurtful and made an already difficult situation even more challenging.
I attribute 95% of my success story to friends and strangers while the remaining percentage is allotted to my blood. Many times, I prayed and wished my husband is watching from wherever he is on the ill-treatment our “blood” meted on me and his children so that if there is a reincarnation, he will have a rethink of “blood” in his next life.
I am very sure that if actually, he watched the drama that unfolded after his demise, he will never be selfless to blood again as he always put his siblings and family first before himself. Even on his deathbed, he had so much confidence that his siblings will give me and his children the closure we need but alas he was mistaken.
I know that he is as heartbroken as I am, to see that his family after confiscating all his properties has not seen, look for, or care about the welfare or whereabouts of his children and I pray that the Lord comforts his soul.
Sometimes I wish his death was a prank so that he will realign his prospects with “blood” and focus more on “water“.
God allowed me to pass through the phase of Widowhood to experience the fact that in times of loss and pains, the response of family members and friends can reveal surprising truths about the support network we rely on.
The realization that familial bonds do not solely determine one’s support network was a painful one yet I was taught an essential lesson.
It made me to cultivate an appreciative attitude for genuine compassion and understanding extended by those outside the immediate family circle.
I was consoled by the story of the good Samaritan in the Bible that sometimes we find help in people that we are not connected in any way.
The support i received from husband’s friends  and strangers helped me to survive the difficult path after my husband’s death hence my lessons; Blood is sometimes not thicker than water.
4. Self Rediscovery
When I lost my husband, I was lost in thoughts over the next step of survival.
I ventured into a lot of business to make ends meet. I have rediscovered my purpose. I found out that I could do things that are not allotted to my gender.
Not having a spouse triggered me to always think out of the box. For me, this self-rediscovery took the form of turning my own pain into a force for good.
The founding of the “Ask a Young Widow” Project reflects my compassion for other people towing same line of grief.
By creating a safe space for others who have experienced similar journeys of loss, i have extended a helping hand to those in need.
The journey of Widowhood turned me into a selfless person. This act not only benefits others but also becomes a catalyst for my own healing. I love seeing people smile because I have been through pains and I know exactly how it feels.
Through supporting and advocating for fellow widows, I have find solace in knowing that I am not alone in my experiences.
The camaraderie shared within this community becomes a source of strength, offering mutual support and understanding.
In this process of self-rediscovery, i have embraced my own weakness and transformed it into a powerful tool for positive change.
My journey serves as an inspiration to others, showing them that healing and growth are possible even amidst the most profound grief.
By stepping into the role of an advocate, i have found a renewed sense of purpose and meaning in life. My actions demonstrate the incredible resolute spirit in me and the capacity to channel pain into a force that uplifts others.
I realized that moments of darkness are the best times of self Rediscovery. It is a time to find a way to shine a light for others, it is a time to guide others towards healing and hope. It is a time to evolve from your old self and thread a new path.
5. A Good Sense of Perception
I was a very care free person who hardly took notice of things around me. Even when people try to express themselves, I hardly have in depth analysis of what the person is trying to talk about. Perhaps the easy going life I enjoyed was the cause.
God made me a widow to awaken that dead part of me – a deep sense of perception. I have a lot of stories pertaining to this unique ability God deposited in me after my husbands demise but I have to tell just one story.
Few months after the burial of my husband, I almost lost my son.
My kids has this health routine I feel is good. When any of my child is sick, the other one will fall sick too few days later.
On that fateful day, I decided to give them enema ( traditional method of purging the belly). It is sometimes done with special squeezed leaves liquid. But I prefer using normal warm water before administering drugs as my son was sick and knowing too well that the sister would join soonest, I perform the duty in advance. This task is usually carried out very early in the morning as it is deemed the best time to do it.
After doing due diligence to their system. I proceeded to cook so that by the time they finish evacuating their system by stooling, food will be ready.
I heard my son say with a feeble voice “I want to sleep“.
Immediately, my inner perception towards issues was activated.
Sleep? I muttered back.
How can you sleep again this early morning after waking up barely one hour ago ago?
Before I could finish talking, he was already heading to the room to sleep.
I called him back with a loud voice
“Come back here, what sort of sleep is that?”
He walked back sheepishly and before I could say, Jack Robinson, my son sprawled in my hands, turned stiff, his eyes were wide open and the black spot turned white.
I shouted, “Jesus!!? affliction can never arise a second time”.
I ran out with his stiff body in my hands. My innocent daughter ran after us not knowing what was happening.
I didn’t even know where to run to but it was God that ordered my steps. I usually say that unless God is not interested in your case, but if he is, let the whole world be against you,he must surely deliver you from any calamity. I ran into the place of my son’s deliverance at that point.
In my confusion, I ran into a provision shop in the neighborhood and threw the child on the laps of the owner of the shop, a lady. I was screaming on top of my voice. Neighbors came out to find out what could be the cause of such uproar that early morning.
One of the neighbors held my son while the woman rushed into her house and brought a substance called “crude oil” and forced it into his eyes, ears and nose. The substance ad I later learnt was very hot when applied on those places. It vibrates the veins and it also has the capacity to wade off any spiritual forces.
After some minutes, my son jerked back and could not close his eyes again due to the irritability of the substance but he was very weak.
That was his first aid.
I quickly took a bike to the main road and thereafter took a Keke to the hospital while I called a very trusted and good man of God to come over and pray for him.
While on transit to the hospital, my son was saying “I want to follow my daddy, I want to follow my daddy”.
I kept rebuking him, “You are not going anywhere!”
It was in the hospital that I realized that I, my son and my daughter did not wear shoes.
After we were discharged from the hospital, I learnt from the woman in the shop that when my son came to purchase a tissue paper earlier that day in her shop, (As young as he was I started sending him petty errands, a responsibility that has made him to become a man in the body of a boy. A story for another day) that he told her that he has seen his daddy in the house.
I usually hear stories of dead parents coming to take their children. It happened to me but assuming I was not perceptive, I would have lost my son and that would have been an aggravated pains.
What would have happened if I didn’t perceive that a second round of sleep was odd at that hour?
Probably, I would have met a dead child on the bed when I would have wanted to serve breakfast.
Since I lost my husband, I take keen notice of everything and everybody around me especially if they have health issues. If you want me to be restless, just tell me you are sick.
I will follow you up until I am convinced that you are well. I usually feel uncomfortable when someone says “I am sick“. Even when you don’t tell me, I will perceive that you are not fine.
I am a victim of circumstance of sickness. To me, there is no small or big sickness. I take every fever very serious. I suspect every unusual thing around me.
At times my children will marvel at the level of my perception and ask, “mummy how did you know that he/she is sick”.
There was a lady I took a particular interest in her sick husband to the extent that if she never knew me personally, she would have suspected that I was having an affair with her husband.
I always have this guilt hovering around me that I didn’t do enough to rescue my husband, so I made it a duty to save others. Widowhood is a very bitter pill to swallow. I wouldn’t want any woman not even my enemy to partake. At least I have to do everything within my powers and leave the rest for God.
My journey of Widowhood inspires me to be there for others who are facing their darkest hours. I grew to a point where I do not only perceive and talk but would pray for the ability to extend an helping hands beyond words but show in my actions.
6. Hope in God
My husband’s death has revealed that it is important for anyone to place his or her ultimate trust in God.
Whenever I face trial, I do not have anybody in mind to help me out. In the face of adversity, I come to realize that people, even those close to me, may falter or be unable to provide the help I need.
As I turn to my faith, I learned to lean on God as my unfailing support, trusting that He will guide me through the darkest moments and lead me to the light.
God has manifested his unending love and super powers to me in so many ways.
I will share just one incident of such powers.
There was a time in my life that I really needed to move out of my family compound. I had no money to execute such project.
Yes! It was a project to me.
To save up to #36,000 to rent a one room apartment for one year was an Herculien task. I was getting meagre money from sewing school uniforms of #400 a pair and my take home was #180 after each pair is completely sewn.
Though the job always came in bulk, it was never enough to cater for two kids and myself. However,it was a seasonal job. We were merely surviving.
I went out one day to look for a house despite my koboless situation. I was so optimistic of renting an apartment.
I decided to live in a particular area that will be closer to my kids school and church where we can trek and convert the transportation fare to feeding money.
To survive was the aim! So however, we can twist and turn, so far we survive, I must deploy the technique.
I met a lady I knew was living in that street who volunteered to take me on a tour around the vicinity in search of an apartment.
She took me to two different apartments which I was not comfortable and the rent was very cheap. Environment shapes people, so I was determined to set a little standard for my kids.
“I need a decent one room, I can’t afford to live where smokers and drinkers are publicly displaying their talent”. I lamented.
“I do not have ample time to spend with my kids during the day time, so it is the environment that will majorly influence them”. I opined further.
I was so confident that God would provide a decent one room apartment for me.
“There is a compound that is decent but the owner of the house is a wizard, would you like it?”, The lady warned rather than asking.
Almost everyone has branded me a witch for being a widow, so i know that the man could be wrongly accused too.
“There is no problem so far the place is decent”, I answered desperately.
Alas, it was a very beautiful place and I was sure of my children’s security.
I have seen a house, to pay was a problem!
I stood in the compound and meditated:
“Dear Lord, if you wish that I should leave my family compound and also wish that i live in this compound, manifest your powers. I do not have anyone to tell my predicament. Amen”
I left and could not raise any money after two months.
One day, I had a call.
“Are you Unwanaobong Akpan“, a very captivating female voice asked.
“Yes I am”, I answered hesitantly.
“I am calling you from Tonye Cole Foundation I want to confirm your account details”
I confirmed and the call ended.
About 30 minutes later, I got an alert of #50,000.
I was shedding tears of joy. I still remember the song I sang.
“Jesus, you love me too much, the love you have for me is excess”, a Mercy Chinwo song.
After the jubilation, came an outstanding question, “Are you sure that nice apartment is still waiting for you?”
At this point, I didn’t know if I should cling unto my faith or not.
I went back to the compound, alas, that room was still empty!
Other tenants started asking, “what did you give our landlord to keep the apartment for you. He has refused to collect money from other people and was still waiting for you to show up”. They remarked.
I was smiling and giving God thanks for his mercies upon my life. I paid for the rent. Fixed few things and finally bade farewell to my family compound though with mixed feelings.
How do I survive solely independently?
That was another journey of faith with the remaining #1,500
A story for another day!
However, my Landlord was a man of extreme good character. No Landlord and tenant tussle. Just pay his rent when due.
I enjoyed his company until I packed out after two years. I was still keeping in touch with him until his demise. May his soul rest in perfect peace. Amen.
In my journey of Widowhood, Faith became a source of hope and resilience during times of my grief. It provided a sense of reassurance that I was not alone in my struggles and that there is a greater purpose to the journey I am on.
In placing my trust in God, i cultivated a sense of surrender and acceptance, acknowledging that there are aspects of life beyond my control. This surrender allowed me to find peace amidst uncertainty, knowing that there is a divine plan unfolding even when it is not clear to me.
Faith in God does not mean that my grief was erased, but it acted as a beacon of hope, helping me navigate the complexities of loss with courage and resilience.
It allowed me to find meaning in the midst of sorrow and to hold onto the belief that there is a path forward, even when it seems obscured.
7. Guided by Reason Over Emotions
Widowhood brought a torrent of emotions that overwhelmed and cloud my judgment.
As a young widow, I found myself in a world I thought could offer solace, instead it seemed to unveil a painful reality.
Grieving the loss of my beloved partner was took a long time, and in the midst of my sorrow, I longed for someone to fill the void left in my heart if that would suffice my grief.
It was during this vulnerable time that men had easy access to me because i yearned for a connection that would help me heal, I never needed a rich man nor desperately wanted to remarry but someone I could trust, confide in, and could be my gist partner.
Hoping to find love again, I opened my heart and embraced the possibilities that lay ahead.Yet, my naivety betrayed me, for not everyone who came into my life had honorable intentions.
I gave my trust to those who appeared genuine, only to have it shattered by betrayal and deceit.
The scars from these painful experiences ran deep, leaving me wounded and questioning the intentions of others.
I began to grow tired, both emotionally and mentally, of the cycle of disappointment and heartache.
My once open heart became guarded, encased in a fortress built upon the debris of broken promises and dashed hopes.
The loneliness i once sought to alleviate through companionship now seemed more bearable than the prospect of enduring further pain.
I equally learned to strike a balance between acknowledging my emotions and applying reason to overcome any circumstance.
I developed a deeper understanding of emotional responses and blackmail and this enabled me to make sound decisions based on thoughtful contemplation rather than being solely driven by my feelings.
Refusing to give other men a chance became a self-preserving act, an act of self-protection. I couldn’t bear the thought of risking my fragile heart once more, only to have it shattered again.
The wounds of betrayal is a painful and I learnt the need to be cautious when seeking affection and love.
As i embraced solitude, I found comfort in my own company. I realized that I am more than capable of finding happiness and fulfillment without relying on someone else.
My independence became a shield against potential pain, and in time, it granted me the power to mend the broken pieces of my heart.
While I may have closed the door to the idea of romantic love for now, I know that healing is a gradual process.
The pain may have left scars, but it has also sculpted me into a person of strong resolve.
Someday, when I am ready, I may consider opening myself up to love again, but only when I find someone worthy of the trust I have so carefully guarded.
For now, I choose to focus on my own well-being and lovely kids, cherishing the memories of the love I once had, and nurturing the person I have become.
Perhaps in time, the walls around my heart will crumble, and the right person will come along, proving that I can love once again.
But until then, I have decided to be guided by reasoning rather than emotions
8. God’s Sovereignty and Intervention
In the midst of my journey as a widow, I had a full understanding of God’s sovereignty and intervention in situations.
No wonder the book of Psalms 127: 1b states “Unless the Lord guards the city , The watchman stays awake in vain.”
There was a time when the weight of responsibility seemed insurmountable.
We barely had what to eat, so every Kobo that enters my hand must be judiciously spent.
After their fathers death, my children never knew how wearing a new dress or shoe felt like.
I did not usually miss Welfare Sundays just to scavenge for old shoes and clothes among welfare materials in church for my children.
The financial strain I bore was such that I couldn’t afford the transportation fare required to pick them up after school then go back to the streets for hustling.
The little money I had was to put food on the table at least twice.
Even though the food were tasteless, my children often eat with relish and gave me a resounding “mummy thank you” acknowledgement.
Sometimes I drink water three times a day (i still have the jug as an artifact) just for them to eat.
So, when I drop my kids at school in the morning, I do not know when I will come back.
They have to wait in school till I come back and pick them.
After some time, the school authorities noticed that my children are always the last to leave the school premises .
“Mma Dickson, why on earth should you be keeping your children in school till 4:00 pm sometimes 5:00 pm without coming to pick them.” The proprietress blurted one day.
I was told to always pick them on time else they will be locked out from 3:00 pm.
I never bothered to utter any explanations as it might fall on deaf ears after all I feel like an irresponsible parent.
But was it really my fault?
Which sensible parent would intentionally keep their children hungry?
Lack of money could make some parents appear insensitive.
Though the lady knew my story, she never understood my plight.
I switched plans. I told them to usually trek to my elder sister’s office and wait for me. That plan worked for some weeks and later turned sour.
“I cannot go home on time because of your children”, she complained bitterly one day.
Ofcourse, I understood her predicament.
She is a civil servant. In some offices, staying till 3:00 pm was quite unusual, infact they are working overtime .
If you linger to some extent, you might be locked up.
At this juncture, I had to face the daunting challenge of letting my two young children – aged 4 and 6 to cross the busy major road on a daily basis to go and come back from school.
It was a choice born not of negligence and wickedness, but of a situation beyond my control.
I had a steadfast belief that God’s sovereignty will encompass every step they took.
In the face of adversity, I found myself at the crossroads of faith and desperation.
It was here that my understanding of God’s sovereignty took on a tangible form.
I realized that God’s plan is often woven beyond the comprehension of mortal minds and that God has the power to orchestrate even the most intricate of circumstances.
Each morning, as I watched my children – backpacks slung over their tiny shoulders – set off on the path to acquire knowledge, my heart clenched with a mix of apprehension and hope.
I would say to my son who is the eldest “hold your sisters hand and never let go of it till you reach school. When you want to cross the road, ask anybody you see, and say uncle or aunty please help us cross the road”. I instructed courageously.
I approached a lady who was my church member that was selling food by the other side of the road to always assist them to cross the road on their way back from school.
Everyone that knew about their weird expedition will utter thunder and brimstone on me for daring to expose my children to such danger.
“Whatever God deems fit to do in respect of my children security,he should do it. He knew that I can’t separate my mortal body to do all these things alone and I am not financially buoyant to cater for the children’s needs, he still allowed my husband: my support system to die.”, I would respond vehemently to critics.
Despite the world being full of bad people, God never allowed my children to meet with someone that could exploit their innocence and vulnerability. God made Strangers to become allies.
At that time, there were rumours in other states that soldiers or some person’s would enter a particular school and inject students poisonous substance and they would die instantly.
To further prove God’s Sovereignty and Intervention in my life, when that similar incident happened in my state, my daughter was ill, so I couldn’t let them go to school.
Parents scampered all over the streets of Uyo in fear looking for their children but my God, knowing too well that my children would have been lost in the crowd sent sickness to put them indoors for affliction not to arise a second time.
Gods protection, sovereignty and intervention towards the life of my children made me to acknowledge the fact that ultimate safety and journey rested within the realm of God’s control.
As time unfurled, I marveled at the transformation that had taken place. My children, once timid and uncertain, now stood tall and empowered, and now held my hands to cross the road.
One day, the helpful lady told me that they no longer came to her shed for road crossing assistance. “Iyak amakpon anyong eka idim,” meaning (when the fish outgrows a stream, it looks for a bigger source of water) she joked over their maturity.
Their journey to school, once a symbol of vulnerability, had become a testament to the resilience and the unfathomable ways in which God’s sovereignty operates.
In the crucible of widowhood, I recognized that God’s plan is beyond human comprehension and that He alone holds the power to salvage situations or allow trials to unfold.
9. Perseverance in the Face of Trials
I learned that God presumably made me a widow and that trials are temporary, but while they last, I require unwavering strength to endure.
I also had a steadfast commitment to prayer and faith. Through seeking inner strength and guidance, I found the fortitude to continue moving forward, trusting that with God’s help, I could navigate the challenging terrain and emerge stronger on the other side.
10. The Vulnerability of a Penniless Widow
My phase of widowhood exposed me to the vulnerability of a person left without financial support, especially in a world where many sought to take advantage of my situation.
Some ravenous men took advantage of my vulnerable financial state and made fake financial promises just to exploit me.
As I experienced this reality, I learned to be discerning and wise in my interactions, recognizing that I must protect myself and my interests in a world that may not always offer compassion.
11. Embracing Independence for Survival
The passing of my spouse left a void, urging me to stand on my own feet and embrace newfound independence.
As I passed through the challenges of daily life without my partner, I learned to be self-reliant and resilient.
The experience of widowhood compels me to discover my strengths and capabilities, empowering me to forge a path forward with courage and determination.
12. A Deepened Sense of Spirituality
In the depths of grief and helplessness, I found solace in spirituality. Widowhood was a catalyst for delving into the realm of the divine, seeking answers, and finding comfort in faith.
Through prayer, reflection, and meditations with the Bible and devotionals especially the OPEN HEAVENS, a connection to the spiritual realm ensued, I developed a profound sense of inner peace and found the strength to endure the trials that life presents.
13. Preparedness for Life’s Uncertainties
Widowhood teaches me the invaluable lesson of being prepared for life’s eventualities. The aftermath of loss and its unfolding drama, made me understand the importance of planning and securing my future.
The experience instills a sense of prudence, urging me to create financial plans, establish support networks, and prepare for the unexpected, ensuring I can weather future storms with resilience.
14Â Trusting in God’s Providence
In the crucible of widowhood, the saying, “God doesn’t give anyone a burden he cannot bear,” takes on a profound significance in my life.
As I faced the darkest hours, I found strength in the unwavering belief that God will never abandon me for he gave me the burden of caring for two young children without prior notice nor expertise with NOTHING to lean on.
This trust in divine providence becomes an anchor during times of despair, assuring me that I can endure and rise above my trials.
15. Embracing Humility
Widowhood humbled my spirit. It reminded me of life’s fragility and the impermanence of all things. The thoughts of my spouse’s dwindling situation from a young, energetic, lively, and vibrant young man to a decomposing stature due to an ailing medical condition to becoming a corpse send shivers down my spine.
This situation teaches me human vulnerability and the need to approach life with humility. Through this experience, I developed a deeper understanding of my place in the world and cultivated empathy and compassion for others who suffer, further enriching my journey of self-discovery.
16. The Value of Genuine Help
The experience of widowhood taught me that no matter the wealth or material abundance one possesses, one may not have the urge to bless the lives of others unless God puts the love in his heart to do so.
Many times people misunderstand what kindness truly is, they think that giving is from a place of abundance but I have realized in my walk with widowhood, that serving humanity pertains to a kind heart full of love, not a pocket full of money.
As I witness the uncertainties of life without my husband’s support, I learn to trust in God’s plan and that true blessings are not always measured in material possessions.
This lesson fosters in me a deeper appreciation for the intangible gifts that come from a compassionate heart with little or no wealth than the one flowing from the midst of abundance with a touch of ego.
This experience also shaped my life to value and appreciate the little help that came to me in my darkest days than thousands of hands that celebrate in my time of abundance.
17. The Genuineness of True Help
In the aftermath of my loss, I came to understand the genuine nature of help from others, especially men. Those who sincerely come to my aid will do so with pure intentions, offering support without ulterior motives.
This insight enabled me to discern genuine helpers from those who may exploit my vulnerability. It empowers me to accept assistance with grace and discernment, fostering a sense of trust and gratitude toward those who genuinely stand by my side.
18. Trusting in God’s Purpose
Throughout the journey of widowhood, I often grapple with questions about why such a loss has befallen me. In time, I came to realize that God’s divine plan may hold reasons beyond human comprehension.
Though the pain may seem overwhelming, the lesson of faith is deeply engrained – that God’s intentions are ultimately for my best interest, even if it is not immediately evident. This realization becomes a source of comfort and solace, leading me to surrender to God’s higher purpose.
19. Transforming Regrets Into Achievements
Amid grief and loss, I carried regrets about moments I wish I had approached differently. However, the experience of widowhood teaches me to transform those regrets into catalysts for personal growth and accomplishment.
I draw strength from past mistakes and turn them into stepping stones for future achievements and learning from every chapter of my life.
20. Embracing the Value of Small Beginnings
Widowhood became a reset button for life, it forced me to start anew. In this process of rebuilding, I began to appreciate the value of small beginnings.
As I took the first steps towards healing and financial progress, I learned that greatness often emerges from humble origins. I delved into businesses that society classified as being too demeaning for my educational standard.
I was cajoled to take up white-collar jobs to suit my educational class but deep down in me, I knew the salary(ies) wouldn’t sustain me and my two kids in all ramifications.
But those odd businesses and jobs sailed me through hard times and have grown to become a massive business outlet today. This lesson fosters a sense of hope and perseverance, knowing that every journey starts with a single, courageous step.
21. Safeguarding Mental Health
While traversing the world of young widowhood, l learned never to compare my life to those of other women who are not widows. I learned to embrace self-acceptance and avoid comparing myself to others in every aspect.
I recognized that their journey was different from mine. This realization fosters a healthier perspective on my life, safeguarding my mental well-being and allowing me to focus on my healing and growth Devoid of unhealthy competition, jealousy, and hatred.
22. Resisting Temptations and Standing Firm in Values
Another reason God made me a widow is to experience a period of vulnerability, where I may face the temptation to engage in unworthy lifestyle choices to fulfill my physical and financial needs.
The lesson I learned is to stand firm in one’s values and maintain integrity despite the temptations. Apart from being a victim of the naivety of the ploys of sexual exploitation under the guise of friendship and relationship.
I thank God that I could resist the negative influences of doing outrageous things I was fully aware were against humanity and emerge from their trials with a sense of self-worth and dignity.
23. Challenging Societal Stereotype and Religious Norms
In my region, Nigeria, widows, especially younger ones, face a lot of religious stigmatization and stereotyping. I grew up to challenge these societal norms, advocating for a more compassionate and inclusive understanding of widowhood.
I pledged to raise my voice against discrimination and work to change misconceptions surrounding young widowhood, especially in Africa.
I discovered a voice within me—a voice that needed to be heard, not only for myself but also for my fellow young widows who felt invisible, marginalized, and alone.
I became hyperactive in advocating for our rights, for recognition, and for the resources we so desperately needed. I inspire young widows to become agents of change, empathy, and understanding.
Today, I stand not just as an individual, but as a representative of a community—a community of young widows who have transcended their pain, transformed their minds, and emerged as beacons of strength and inspiration.
We have redefined what it means to be a young widow, breaking stereotypes and carving a path of empowerment and possibility.
Together, we will continue to raise our voices, advocating for the support, resources, and understanding that all young widows deserve. We will stand shoulder to shoulder, united in our shared experiences, knowing that in our vulnerability lies our greatest strength.
24. Cultivating Good Virtues
I cultivated the virtues of patience, endurance, and forgiveness after I evolved from the pains meted on me in my journey of widowhood, and that shaped my character. I learned the power of patience as I endured the grieving and growth process, recognizing that it takes time.
I embraced endurance as I faced life’s trials, demonstrating my strength in the face of adversity. I learned the art of letting go and releasing emotional baggage to embrace the present and future. And I discovered the power of forgiveness, both towards others and myself, freeing my heart from bitterness and animosity.
25. Embracing Gratitude for Life’s Blessings
I discovered the profound virtue of gratitude. Even when I do not have any money but the mere realization that I could survive the pangs of widowhood and reach where I am today always gives me a reason to be grateful to God.
The experience of widowhood heightens my appreciation for life’s precious moments and the love I have shared with the memory of my departed spouse and his children.
In expressing gratitude, I find solace and contentment, recognizing that even amid pain, life still offers reasons to be thankful.
26. God’s Starting Point
When I am in the depths of despair and hopelessness, I often find an unforeseen beginning when I reach my breaking point.
On several occasions, the miracle that occurred with the Biblical widow amidst famine was preparing the last meal to eat and die with her son often happen to me.
Every time I feel that my end is near I will fervently pray that I die with my children. God Begins!
God made me a widow to learn that when all seems lost, God’s grace and intervention come into play, ushering in new opportunities and pathways for growth.
From the ashes of surrender, I learn that divine providence holds the power to create a fresh start, giving me the strength to endure and rebuild my life on a new path.
27. The Art of Improvisation
Unlike when I was not a widow, the phase of widowhood challenged my ability to adapt to life’s unexpected changes. In this process, I discover the art of improvisation, learning to make the best of the resources and circumstances I have at hand.
I fostered creativity and resilience, enabling me to embrace life’s uncertainties with a sense of empowerment and flexibility.
28. Expecting Rejection
The journey of widowhood has taught me never to be hurt in the face of rejection. I have even accepted it as part of life. I have encountered so much rejection from various sources – friends, family, and society at large.
Since I expect rejections, I cultivate resilience to withstand them. By recognizing that not everyone may understand my journey, I learn to rely on my inner strength.
29. The Significance of Support
Widowhood has unveiled to me the contrast between the impact of the right people and the wrong people during one’s most vulnerable moments.
True friends and loved ones become an oasis of support in the desert of grief, offering comfort, understanding, and companionship.
In contrast, negative influences can compound the pain, disrupting the healing process and growth. The lesson learned is to cherish and nurture the relationships that provide genuine support and to distance myself from those who may cause further harm.
30. Caution in Emotional Investment
In the wake of loss, I yearned for companionship and sought new relationships. Unlike when I was not a widow, I learned to approach emotional investment with caution, taking the time to assess the intentions and compatibility of potential partners.
By being discerning and mindful, I protected my heart and emotional well-being, as I do not want to be more crushed when they leave than when they met me. I ensured that new relationships were built on a foundation of trust, mutual respect, and understanding.
31. Cherishing Life and Loved Ones
The experience of widowhood made me understand the fleeting nature of life and the fragility of our existence. As I navigate through grief, I developed an acute awareness of the value of each day and the preciousness of my own life and that of my children.
I learned to cherish every moment, savoring the simple joys and finding gratitude in the love and companionship of those I hold dear.
32. Embracing Grace in the Face of Others’ Success
Widowhood sometimes can be a time of vulnerability, and the success of others may evoke feelings of bitterness or jealousy. However, I learned to embrace grace and compassion in the face of others’ achievements.
I nurtured a positive mindset and opened up myself to the abundance of life, finding inspiration and motivation in the accomplishments of others. This outlook fosters a sense of gratitude and contentment in my journey.
33. Nurturing Self-esteem and Self-worth
God took me through the path of widowhood to experience moments of dependency. God made me see different opinions and perceptions of people towards widowhood especially perceiving widows as needing favors or help.
A lot of people undervalue the services of widows and deduce the payment of salary(ies) as not based on services rendered but on benevolence and other sympathetic factors attached to widowhood – objects of pity.
Instead of puncturing my ego, I am always at liberty to exit places, situations, people, and work and be in an environment where my efforts, services, and contributions are valued, appreciated, and rewarded accordingly.
This has helped me to foster a deep sense of self-belief and empowers me to navigate life with confidence and strength.
34. The Power of Two
Losing my partner made me realize the power of “two” when I transitioned into a phase of life where I was on my own.
Experiencing life as a widow indeed highlighted the benefits and efficiencies that two individuals working together can achieve more in various aspects of life.
Realizing “The Power of Two” as a widow isn’t about replacing my late spouse or forgetting him; it’s about integrating the love and experiences shared into my journey of personal growth and resilience.
Though life may feel different without my partner, there is strength within me to overcome the challenges and discover a renewed sense of purpose and happiness.
Conclusion
“Why God Made Me a Widow” delves into a personal journey of loss, reflection, and growth following the loss of a life partner.
The author shares her belief that the experience of widowhood was part of a divine plan, allowing her to understand the reason behind every circumstance and equally draw inspirational lessons for a practical life application.
Ultimately, “Why God Made Me a Widow” offers a poignant and introspective perspective on the profound journey of widowhood and the lessons it imparts to humans.
